Carrot or Stick Based Punishment

In my house, discipline came in one flavor: leather. But hell, that was the 80s, and I still remember a few grade school teachers who kept a big wooden paddle in their desks in case one of the inmates got out of line.

Not sure that would go over too well with parents today!

My co-parent, Gretchen, and I chose to discipline with compassion and incentives at the core, no physical punishment.

Inflicting pain was a tool of the past, but we both believed there was a better way.

Our jobs as parents are to teach societal norms and boundaries. Yes, kids will naturally test the limits, but we have to be there to give minor corrections. And a lot of minor corrections are better than a significant, scary correction later.

Think about that for a moment.

Humans are incentive-driven. Corrections should come in the form of incentives. Find something very valuable and use it as leverage. This looks like: Screen time, video games, favorite toy, sleepovers, vacation with friends, and that trip to Sea World.

IMPORTANT: You can’t be a pushover. Always follow through, and your kids will learn that you mean what you say.

Or the opposite, which I see way too often in well-meaning parents.

Here’s an example of a threat I had to keep, as much as it sucked for me and them.

On a trip to Sea World, when my three kids were all under 10, they were yelling and arguing. I said, “Guys, please stop or I’ll turn around and we’ll go home, no Sea World.”

They kept at it.

I took the next exit, and my Tacoma got church quiet.

“Dad, pleasssseee, we’ll behave.”

“Too late.”

Cue the crying.

A few weeks later, same trip, not a peep, and perfectly behaved kids.

This was a defining moment. My kids still talk about this in their twenties.

This is an example of how to show kids you really mean what you say, and an example of using incentives (carrots) to teach.

***Note: Don’t EVER threaten them with something you are not willing to follow through.

The carrot always works better than the stick.

Trust me, you have to be consistent —aligning your words and actions early, and your kids will learn very fast.

That’s how we were able to take our kids with us anywhere (restaurants, events, concerts, etc.), which is an earned luxury that comes with good parenting.